Life has been a wild ride lately. Filled with beauty and chaos and growing pains and dropped balls and awkward conversations and conflict resolution and hurt feelings and deep wounds and laughs and confusion and coffee and grace, lots and lots of grace.
I never learned to juggle (although my husband prides himself in his juggling skills). I've never been exceptionally coordinated, but in this particular season of life, God has me juggling a lot. Working for two nonprofits, launching my own business, support-raising, cultivating a healthy marriage, processing trauma in counseling, investing in community, and trying to keep my 16 pound cat alive. I don't share my to-do list to brag or boast in my busyness (PSA: Don't boast in your to-do list. It makes people insecure and making people insecure just isn't cool), quite the opposite, actually. My schedule is filled with beautiful things, but it's not in my skill set to juggle so much. I'm a very weak juggler.
The last time my schedule felt this full was when I stumbled into my counselor's office 5 years ago and she quickly told me I had to quit 2 of my 3 jobs and back out of pretty much all of the commitments that packed schedule.
This season is different, though. I'm in a much healthier space: physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, relationally. But I'm still not on par with a circus clown in my juggling skills.
In the midst of the chaos, I've felt God asking me over and over again "Do you trust me?"
Truthfully, I haven't answered. Every time I pray and every time that question writes itself on my heart, I distract, avoid, ignore. But again, I gently hear, "Whitney, do you trust me?"
And again, I distract, avoid, ignore.
Until this week, as I prayed over one particular area of my life, I felt God ask again, "Whitney, do you trust me?"
This time, I audibly whispered, "I want to."
The response I felt was: "That's enough."
I want to trust you, God. Why pretend I do when you know my heart? You know I don't trust you. You know I'm a little scared and a little overwhelmed. You know I'm avoiding you so why pretend? I don't trust you, Lord. But I want to. I desperately want to trust You.
I feel confident that for now, it's enough to want to trust. I pray God grows me in my trust.
He understands us, friends. Stop avoiding and just admit your strugs. You're in good company.