Last week, I sat in a cozy home in Victorian Village surrounded by my life group. Men and women who want to follow Jesus into adulthood. Men and women who encourage, inspire, and dream together. At some point between our awkward ice breakers (sorry Jon, ice breakers are always somewhat awkward) and deep faith discussion, I had a minor epiphany.
I felt that gnawing in my soul, like someone took my smeared, foggy Warby Parkers (btw I highly recommend paying for the nicer lenses. I went the cheapo route and my specs are in a constant state of smear) and wiped them clean. I saw truth a little clearer.
"We don't get to debate if we're worth dying for. We just are."
One of our leaders mentioned in a side comment that she believed she was worth dying for. I've heard the cliche 9000x over the course of my 24 years, but something struck me in that moment, I don't have a say in whether or not I'm worth it. It's already been decided. It is finished.
This simple, weighty truth followed me this week. I find that my lifelong battle with my worth isn't one in which I prove myself worth Jesus' sacrifice, but rather trying to prove that what I believe about myself is accurate.
"See Jesus, I'm super selfish. I am not worth dying for." "I'm not talented like her, see I'm not worth it." "Jesus, I can't seem to follow through with anything, told you it wasn't worth it." etc.
Oh the pride I have. Trying to convince the Savior of the universe that I wasn't worth his time. I don't get to decide if I'm worth it. There is no debate. I am worth it and I have to let go of the fact that I can't control it. Jesus made the call that I'm worth it, whether I agree with him or not.
Friends, if you're like me and you're trying to prove you weren't worth the brutal death on that old cross, we're wasting our time. We don't have a say. WE ARE WORTH IT. It's already been done.
So today, one week after my minor epiphany, I sit at my favorite coffee shop, still trying to grasp the truth that my worth wasn't something I decided.
You're worth it, friends. Whether you struggle to prove you ARE worth it or ARE NOT worth it. You ARE WORTH IT regardless of anything you can or cannot do.
With love and coffee,