Friends, I feel overwhelmingly blessed today. It’s December 12, 2014 and my heart is full. Just around two years ago, I was in the darkest season of my life.
Bitterness, hatred, and shame consumed my heart. Two years ago, I hated who I was. I hated the dark place I found myself and I had little faith that God heard me.
Earlier, I looked back on my journal from those days; here’s a few phrases I found:
“I’m really trying not to hate you.”
“I’m scared and I don’t understand.”
“I feel like I’m dying inside.”
Today, as I opened my journal, I sat in awe at the Lord. Joy filled my heart and gratitude overwhelmed my soul.
On December 12, 2014, my journal reads something like this:
“Abba, my heart swells with joy. You are so good and so faithful. You chose me, you rescued me, you redeemed me and my heart may explode with thankfulness. Abba, thank you. Thank you for the season of shadows and pain that led me here. Thank you for those dark days of doubt and fear that stretched my faith and rooted my heart in truth. Thank you for the men and women who walked alongside me during those days; many who still walk with me today. Thank you for so many things, Lord. You are so good. So very very good.”
This paragraph may convince you that my life is perfect and filled with all good things, but I assure you, my life is far from a fairytale. I still wrestle with old lies. I still doubt the Lord’s goodness DAILY. I still battle insecurity, anxiety, and fear. But today, I look back and I’m thankful for the hard season. I’m thankful for those days I thought I’d surely drown in sorrow.
My faith developed in the days of despair and now I’m confident that if the Lord can love me and heal that season, He can surely walk with me now in my uncertainty and doubt.
Friends, if you’re in a hard season, my prayers are with you. I pray you grow to know the Lord deeply and intimately. That your faith takes root and that someday you look back and list pages of ways the Lord redeemed you.
Here's a few snapshots that currently bring me joy: