The one with the struggle.

Oh my friends, has this month been difficult. I feel like a zombie, walking around out of control, numb, and confused. My heart is overwhelmed, desperate for peace. Nearly two years ago, I desired freedom from a life held captive by calorie counting and exercise. I started to see that the life I called my own didn't look like much of a life at all; so with only the grace of Jesus, I started seeing a counselor. Two counseling sessions per week led to dietician and doctors appointments, a diagnosis, much denial, and eventually, life. I started to see glimpses of healing.

I went to Colorado in 2013. I hiked mountains, I laughed, I cried, I felt. I relapsed one week, but God picked me up and put me back on my feet. I graduated. I raised support. I lived. I went to Colorado again and life started to get hard once more.

Old fears resurrected, anxiety plagued my soul, and more than enough brokenness consumed my thoughts. I moved. I struggled. I ran away. I shut down.

And now, here I am. Recognizing the slow fade that has been this relapse. This week, it caught up to me. I lied a lot; probably the biggest sign that ED was back at full-force. I told my counselor I was doing great. I told my boyfriend, I didn't have weight-loss supplements hidden in my purse. I told everyone I was fine. My mind has been weak; unable to focus, craving more sleep than usual. My heart for others and passion has been clouded with hunger pangs and shame.

So here I am, friends, telling you these vulnerable struggles, begging for prayer. I don't want to live like this. I don't want my stress to result in falling back into my old life. I decided to make a list of a few things I've lost over the past serval weeks and why being thin isn't worth it:

Things that are better than being skinny: Honesty. Clarity. Compassion. Emotion. Authenticity. Laughter. Energy.

Hebrews 2:15 says, "Through death He might destroy him who had the power of death and release those who through fear of death were all their lifetime subject to bondage."

I don't want to live in fear and bondage. This eating disorder is death. It if for freedom that Christ has set me free, so this, this is a step away from the bondage that robbed my life and a step towards the arms of Jesus and the life He offers.

Thanks for reading, friends. My prayer is that today, you let Jesus set you free from the life of bondage and slavery.

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