I’ve been so very overwhelmed lately. Overwhelmed to the point where tears won’t even fall.
I feel stressed and attacked and unheard. A lethal combination.
Today, after much convincing from my boyfriend, I stilled before Jesus. I scribbled in my journal with my favorite pens a cry to the Lord.
Everywhere seems unsafe. I’m in a season of life where each turn looks like a giant question mark. I fearfully made the decision to defer my graduate school acceptance. This means, this fall will be the first of 22 years where my August will not look like the comfort of lectures, exams, and fresh spiral bound notebooks.
After much prayer, I decided to extend my internship with Great Commission Ministries in order to work full-time next semester with h2o church. My heart is to serve the men and women of Ohio State’s Greek Life and offer glimpses of God’s heart for them. His heart for freedom, security, and redemption. I believe the Lord called me to ministry for this season and honestly, I’m scared. Support raising means hard phone conversations and rejection. It means shakily placing my dreams in the hands of another; hoping, wishing, praying they catch my vision. Support raising means telling my parents that once again, I won’t be using the degree we’re still paying for me to hold. Support raising means living simply.
In the midst of my fears, I pleaded with the Lord for safety. This was His response (yes, Jesus does use pet names with me):
“Grieve, sweet girl. You’re allowed to be sad, overwhelmed, and confused. I’m not angry at you, love. I want you to know how much I love you. Love me freely, not with “ifs” and “buts.” Love me simply because I Am. Crawl into my lap and tell me the cries of your heart. Turn to me, not your plans. Turn to me, not your supporters. Turn to me, not your family. Turn to me, sweet girl, not Steve. Turn to me because I am your only hope for comfort, rest , and security.
I will not lead you down the safe path. But in me, you are as safe as you could be.
The road ahead looks dark; a haze of question marks linger, uncertainty around each bend, but put your hand in mine, sweet girl and let’s waltz this unknown together.
You can choose the other path. The one with dollar signs, degrees, and many companions. But it’s only deceptively safe because My hand, my footprints, aren’t there. Only in the unsafe, will you find Safety.”
Jesus’ words to me remind me of one of my favorite quotes from one of my favorite stories.
“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you?
Who said anything about safe?
‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
― C.S. Lewis, The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
And this beautiful verse.
But I’ll take the hand of those who don’t know the way,
who can’t see where they’re going.
I’ll be a personal guide to them,
directing them through unknown country.
I’ll be right there to show them what roads to take,
make sure they don’t fall into the ditch.
These are the things I’ll be doing for them—
sticking with them, not leaving them for a minute.”
Isaiah 42:16, The Message