Have you ever tried to outrun God?
In previous blog posts, I shared about how I struggle with lies and how I often try to convince God to “return” me (check out this post for more on that: http://whitandwords.com/2014/04/04/the-no-return-policy/: ).
This week I found myself experiencing the “I’m trying to avoid God ache.”
You know the one. The “I know spending time with God would make all the difference in the world, but I’d rather sit in my stubbornness and indulge in another HIMYM binge” feeling. Been there (basically every day of my life).
This week, in my pride, I wanted to believe that once again, I wasn’t worth saving, loving, or redeeming. So instead, to save God some work, I decided to lace up my metaphorical Mizuno's and run from the Lord’s grace. I thought that maybe if I ignored Him by avoiding His Word and playing the shame game, then He’d give up and I wouldn’t have to let His grace swallow my pride.
Maybe you’re wondering: “why the heck would she choose the paralyzing weight of shame over grace? (believe me, this question is like a broken record in my thoughts).
But today, I decide two things: I’m prideful and I’m scared.
I’m prideful because I don’t want to need help. I don’t want to admit that the elixir for the ache in my soul is something I can only get from someone else. I don’t want to admit that I can’t control the Lord’s choice to shower me in grace. I don’t want to admit that He gives His grace regardless of me asking for it each day. I’m prideful, so very very prideful.
I’m also scared. I’m scared because there is nothing else in this life that is 100% free. My birthday was this week and even when my beautiful friends surprised me with thoughtful gifts and quality time, I couldn’t help but feel like I owed them a gift in return or at least a thank you note. But with grace, I owe nothing. And that’s terrifying. It’s terrifying because it’s unknown. I don’t know what it’s like to not owe anything in return because all my life, if I owe something, it’s always painful. And grace is so valuable, surely I should owe something gargantuan in return.
Jesus reminded me today that His grace chases me. He reminded me that I can avoid Him by choosing Netflix over Him and trying to convince Him that I’m not worth His time, but He’s still going flood my soul in an ocean of grace. He reminded me that it’s scary to trust that I owe nothing, that grace isn’t going to hurt anything except my pride. He reminded me as fast as my metaphorical Mizunos are, His are faster and His grace outruns me every time.
“…but as people sinned more and more, God’s wonderful grace became more abundant.” Romans 5:20 [NLT]