Sometimes I Scream.

[Original post date: February 2014]  

Sometimes I want to scream. Sometimes I actually do scream.

Even after 14 months of recovery, I have days (usually nights), when lies are L O U D. It’s these nights when I want to scream. I get sick of the “chatter.” The voice that whispers: “don’t eat that” “you’re disgusting” “you’re unlovable” “you’ve failed” “THINK of all the calories you consumed” “You haven’t worked out in nearly TWO WEEKS” “You’re worthless” …the list goes on…

Sometimes the lies are so loud I literally shove my head under my pillow and scream. Call it crazy. I call it therapy.

It doesn’t help when my Pinterest is flooded with boards dedicated to cute bathing suits and photoshopped models. It doesn’t help when (what seems like) every. single. conversation. contains the word “pound,” “calories,” or “workout.”

I scream because this ISNT FAIR. We aren’t supposed to live slaves to some unattainable standard that some jerk in Hollywood established. I scream because I DONT WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS. I scream because I DONT DESERVE to live like this. I scream because more than TWENTY FIVE PERCENT of college women practice disordered eating habits. I scream because I WONT LIVE LIKE THIS.

I. WONT. LIVE. LIKE. THIS.

*SPOILER* Satan and his evil minion ED (Eating Disorder) don’t win. On that beautiful day when Jesus comes to rescue us once and for all, ED will die along with Satan, photoshop, lies, and (hopefully) decaf coffee. But until that day, I’m going to choose freedom. I’m going to choose to scream into my pillow and pray.

Pray for healing in my own life and the lives of so many others. Pray that we would guard our own hearts and be sensitive to the media we feed ourselves. Pray for wisdom and discernment on how to speak boldly. Pray that we would know our worth and the beauty and freedom Jesus offers. Pray for truth. Pray for peace. Pray for hearts to be won and Jesus made known.

This is what I pray for. This is what makes me scream.